i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
