I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
