WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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