I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
