I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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