I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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