he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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