I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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