DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
