I can text with my tongue
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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