I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
