I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
