Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
