so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
