I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
