At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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