I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
