You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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