One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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