She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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