You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Who died my cat blue again?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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