Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
