she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I pour the whiskey from now on
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
