I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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