There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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