Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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