she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
