Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
