nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
