Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
