I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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