About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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