remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
