with your own penis?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
