He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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