Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
