Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
