I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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