he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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