nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
