Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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