broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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