You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
