omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Rumble strips road head = magical
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
