I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
