I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
