I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm passing your future prison.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
