i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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