The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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