I think my vagina is haunted
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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